What they don't know...

Ever since I got out of my depression, I've been putting on a brave face for everything I do.

I'm blunt and to the point concerning the Youtaite confessions. If I think someone's whining unnecessarily, I'll point it out to them.

If there's a conflict, I won't hesitate to choose a side and support it to the end. So long as I believe that it is the right way.

I pretend not to care what others think of me. But, I'd be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't hurt sometimes.

When I see that the people I once called friends no longer include me in Skype calls or conversations on Twitter, my feelings get hurt. But, I don't dare say anything. Because, even if I am included, I know that I wouldn't fit in. My idea of what's funny and what's entertaining is different from them. Arguably, it's more mature than them. (Either that, or nothing makes me laugh anymore.) I've done so much to hurt them because of the clash of ideas. Why should I pursue something that would only hurt both sides more?

I'm not friends with #TeamVancouver anymore, maybe except for Elly. But even that, I worry that it's slipping.

I'm not friends with Myst anymore.

I'm not friends with Sohly anymore.

I'm not friends with Loki anymore.

I don't think I'm friends with the Australians anymore, either.


If it were only for these factors, I would've left the community already. I would've cancelled my trip to AX next July and used the money towards a new guitar or something.


But there are still people who care to talk to me. To acknowledge the fact that I exist, no matter how difficult it maybe for them.

Haru-san, Kura, Hartless, Anu, Goggies, Julia, Kori, Luna, Carmen... There's so many more, even if I don't know them that well. The ones who love my music, the ones who love me as a person... For them, I'm staying.

I know I say a lot of stupid things... But, for your sakes, I'll work hard to be a better person. That's a promise. And no words from a self-righteous bastard will make me doubt myself in that.