To the Spade that Broke Me...

I rarely fight with my real life friends. But, when I do, they always seem to be my fault.

That's where you come in, Spade. Yes, you. You're the only one I know who would ever associate themselves with such a strange shape. Perhaps there are more, but I don't know of them. If I do know of them, I don't remember.

You know how in anime, when the person has a moment of deja-vu after being yelled at by someone important to them, only to have the same thing be said to them by someone else? I had that moment.

I overreacted. Or, at least, that's what everyone says I did. My friends keep saying that they were merely surprised, but when they keep saying "I was so SHOCKED" or "I'm AMAZED by this", I can't help but feel like I'm considered to be an idiot.

I've known these people since my sophomore year of high school. How the hell did they not know that I was into computers and software designs or even video games? Do those three not connect with each other in their heads? Is it only a vague concept that outsiders can't understand?


...Or was I just being weak again?


Reply after reply... I don't know why you decided to drill on forward, Kim... it was a stupid move; a fruitless one. I know you had good intentions, but something kept telling me otherwise.

It was my war with him. My war with You.

I can try to ignore it as much as I like... but whether it be out of love or pure hatred, I can't get your voice out of my head. And it's not in a good way. Every insult, every critique, every tactless word you spat at me, it's been burned into my mind. Virtually word for word. I remember your tone, your intonations, your annoyance. Or was it anger? I don't know. To me, both spelled out disappointment.

So, I told myself, "He must really care for me, then."

"Care for me" my ass... He cared about the people I was hurting.

And as a result, the people I hurt turned to him, and turned against me.

I should have seen this coming. I should have stopped it when I had the chance. I shouldn't have been so desperate.

People annoy me now. People never annoyed me before then. I can't even survive my classes at university without getting pissed off at the students, the prof, the TA or all three at once.

Elly can say the same thing to me over and over again: "Don't blame him... Don't blame him..."
But, that's all that this pathetic self is capable of doing. I can only blame the one person that's ever made such a strong impact on my life, whether it be for better or for worse.

As if people didn't understand me enough as it was... People don't understand me even more because they don't understand why I believe and do the things I believe and do.

My voice... my voice... it's gone. The day he broke me was the day he took my voice.
I can't sing like I used to. Nobody wants to listen to me like they used to.
I can't sing happy songs. I can't sing love songs.
I can only sing sad songs. Songs about lost love, lost friends, lost hope...
I can only sing hopeful songs.... Songs about longing, surviving...

I long for life, and I try to search for it in the songs that I can't sing. It's a vain attempt, really. I still feel dead inside; I'm still empty. I don't trust anyone anymore, no one but my parents. But, even then, I rarely speak with them to begin with. Well, I speak to them more than most kids my age would with their parents, but I still wish that I can spend more time with them.

I'm drowning. You took away my life jacket, my life boat, my life support. You took away my companions that were on the boat with me, you took away the treasure that was in that boat. You took away the one thing that I had on me: my jacket. You left me in the middle of the sea to die, after you promised me that you would try to help me. But, no, it was an empty promise. A promise that you knew deep down that you couldn't keep but decided to say that you could anyway for reasons that I will never EVER understand. So tell me, why? Why did you tell me you would try when you obviously weren't? You were avoiding my like the plague, until finally, you pushed me overboard. You pushed me overboard and then sailed away into the sunset with those who grew to love you and hated me, like the heroic protagonist of a cheesy adventure film. Like James Bond with his many lovers.

And there I was. There I am. The sky gets darker as the sun sets, and not even the moon and stars can help me. They can only offer final condolences before even they fade out of my view for good.


To the Spade that broke me... I hate you.