pouring out mah feels...

I've been told I have it quite rough IRL.
....I don't understand why.

Like today. I asked Clark what he thought of me.
I was expecting a long list of pros and cons, like the one I forced out of Sohly, or the one that Elly presented to me.
Instead I got one word: "struggling."
My heart sank beyond words.
Well, at least this answered a lot of things. I never enjoyed talking with Clark for some reason. I never knew why. I always thought it was because he was so clingy, but after a while, it just felt like I was sitting in the counsellor's office again back in high school. It wasn't pleasant. (Now that I think about it, I think that's why I avoided Skype like the plague.)
Keeping down as much of my anger as I could (before I totally exploded), I asked him what he meant by that.
He said he "knew I could do it" and he wanted to be my friend "by helping me"... The last one hurt the most.
Why bother being my friend when you're going to be my counsellor? I made this point to Sohly the last time he and I got into a fight over the same matter.

I'd appreciate it if guys stopped treating me like I was some fucking virus that needs to be detained and quarantined... or some sob-story where they become a pivotal character in my recovery. Or some mental disability victim that needs healing in an asylum. I HATE IT.

I mean, yeah, every now and then I'll complain a bit and point out how life sucks, but who doesn't?
And yet, people make a big deal out of it.
It's not like I'm the worst life to have ever existed. AmyAnn (was that her name?) had to leave because she lost a home.
Seth had to be rescued by the government from his abusive family and put into a caring foster home and is now starting to get off drugs.
Esther committed suicide.
Alexia's living with the guilt of mistreating Leo while he was still alive.
Elly's lost more friends than she could keep track of.
Chii has a terrifying father that I want to rescue her from.
Jadeyn got expelled from school and ended up attending a school for alcoholics and teen parents. She was my best friend back in elementary school.
Stephen got beat up because he was a popular gay boy. He also got suspended from school by the vice-principal, even though he did nothing wrong.






Yeah, Dad has anger management problems. But he also has a runaway mouth that lacks tact and sympathy. His traditional mind is immovable because of his ignorance and stubbornness, and because of that, he easily offends us. When we get mad from the offense, my dad will get mad. To the people who said I lack tact: here's your answer. I'm surrounded by this man every time he's home, and EVERY TIME he opens his fucking mouth, he'll say something to hurt someone's feelings. I've gotten into so many arguments with him, it's not even funny. But, it's not something I can change because he's so fucking stubborn. I can complain a bit, but I can't expect the complaining to change my dad. It's going to take a fucking miracle to change my dad, and we're not exactly a family that attracts miracles.



Yes, my mom criticizes me. A lot. But what Asian parent doesn't? Being told you can't sing or be anything other than a doctor, a lawyer, etc. is considered normal in our society. It's not a good thing to be normal, but it's normal nonetheless. She'll call me a bad singer... but the only reason she'll call me that is because she's too tsun to tell me that I've improved. Because the moment she tells me I'm good, she thinks that I'll run off and be a singer as a career choice. (Don't get me wrong.. I plan on doing that REGARDLESS of what she says.) She says I spend too much time on the computer. But half the time, I'm working on stuff. BTC, the Guilty Crown fic, animations, etc. I don't go on Twitter and Tumblr as much as I would like to. It's hard for me nowadays to even log onto Skype. (And whenever I DO log on, the chats are all dead.) I just remind myself that my mom doesn't know what I'm doing, nor is she INTERESTED in what I'm doing, so I just ignore her like she ignores my responses.



And yes, my sister drives me insane. She's an ignorant brat who thinks she knows the world because she got lucky with her assumptions and answers. She calls me the ignorant one.... the overly-sensitive one... the one that sounds like a dying pig when singing... the loud one... annoying, stupid. Save for the "dying pig" part, she doesn't realize that all of that is tenfold on her part. She's a loud, ignorant, overly-sensitive, annoying and at times air-headed brat who spends more time getting ready for school than time in school. She has a job that pays more than mine does, and yet she always comes to me asking for money, where I would always have to discount the amount that she owes because "she's my sister." She tells me to stop yelling at my dad when I get mad out of fear.. she doesn't even care how I feel when she gets mad at Dad and starts making those frustrated teenage growls that the Korean females make when they're frustrated to the point of anger. (Which, by the way, pisses the FUCK out of me.) All the noises she makes when she's mad or pissed - the ducky-face angry pout that makes an annoying "tjj" sound, the high-pitched frustrated Korean female growl, her angry ranting voice, her stomping and slamming of doors - pisses ME off. Because not only do they set my OCD mind running, but it causes headaches and a suffocating discomfort in my chest as I fight to hold back snapping at her to shut the fuck up. And even though she's not a horrible singer, I don't like her singing. It's too weak and soft, and the tonal quality annoys the fuck out of me. She tries so hard to sing like her idols that she's lost her own voice.


Our family started falling apart when we lost financial stability. A mortgage on a new home, the economic downturn that resulted in less students coming in from the International Student program, Dad's big-spender habits, etc. Under the financial stress, my dad cracked, and his usual bad habits only got worse. We're lucky that he no longer drinks regularly, but lately even his drinking habits have been getting difficult to avoid, what with going out to dinner with his co-workers frequently. (He moonlights as an interior designer now.) My mom went to Korea to help out with the finances, where she faced even more stress with our extended family and unfulfilling work. In the end, she only earned enough money for the plane ride home and then some. (The one thing good that came out of that trip was that she got published into an anthology and won $5000 in prize money. But that prize money ignited a greedy flame in my great-aunt and great-uncle, who wanted half of the money AS WELL as the royalties that my mom would get. After a long fight, my mom finally came home.)

My dad isn't the only one that the financial strain broke. My sister's really sensitive to this, especially money. She's inherited my dad's big-spender habits, and just last month, she spent her entire paycheck on bleaching her hair: a colour that doesn't even SUIT her. Then she went out frequently to Metrotown and Downtown Vancouver... two places with the most trendiest and most expensive shops. She buys accessories and clothes that she never wears, half a dozen shoes per year, PLUS she buys circle lenses online. Several times she's had to borrow my Paypal because she wasn't old enough to have one.

She has a very pretty face, but she keeps destroying it with makeup, hair bleaching/styling/dyeing and circle lenses. She has big eyes, a perfectly round face, and the perfect textured hair in the most beautiful shade of ebony that anyone has seen. I'm the complete opposite. I have an abnormally large, boxy head shape, smaller eyes than my sister (but larger than a normal Asian's), a short height, and hair that rivals Medusa's. I only ever feel beautiful when I'm in my Inori wig, I don't bother with make-up or hairstyling because I'm more worried about getting to school on time than finding a husband. I'm told I have pretty legs, but I rarely show them off because of the amount of hair on my legs and arms. I've been called a gorilla in high school! I don't even shave because the hairs only get darker. It's because of this that her spoiled attitude pisses me off. I would do ANYTHING to have the body and looks that she has... but I'm stuck as the eldest who took all the bad stuff from her parents and ancestors. And there she goes, destroying every gift that Aphrodite bestowed on her. AND she refuses to get married/have a boyfriend? It angers me beyond words. What a way to be disrespectful to the Goddess of Love and Beauty?









But after ALL that... I know that I'm not the worse off. So I don't complain about it anymore.


Sohly once told me: "You're not special." (Actually, it wasn't once. It was more than once. 3 times.)
He's right. I'm not special. There's always going to be someone worse off than me. Why should I be the middle of a sobfest?








I'll be honest, though. That phrase still hurts me.
He probably didn't intend it beyond the point I made above.... but it still hurts.
Then I remind myself: "Yeah, he's right. I'm not special.... But, that doesn't mean that I'm not important."






I have a reason to change myself now. I have friends that I care about, and have the potential to harm if I remain the way that I am. I can care less about the people who still consider me as a virus that needs to be quarantined or a walking time-bomb of despair. But, the people who put their love into me and expect me to be the best I can be without having to constantly be breathing down my back.... those are the people that I want to change for. I want to be strong for them.